“Mirror Mirror on the
Wall
Who is the prettiest
of them all……”
We all know the story
of Snow White, and her wicked step-mother, who could not bear the idea of
anyone else being more beautiful than her. The idea that someone else could be
more beautiful was enough to drive her to murderous thoughts. Some would say
this was because she was vain and selfish. However, if we pause to think about
why she guarded her beauty so fiercely, we will realize that at the root of it
lay a strong feeling of inferiority, a belief that her beauty was the only
thing that was worthy in her, and if someone else was found to be more
beautiful, it negated her identity. She was not comfortable in her own skin,
and always worried that someone will surpass her. To put it simply, she had an
Inferiority Complex.
People with an
inferiority complex often believe that they are not as capable, as efficient,
as popular, as others. This feeling is so deeply ingrained, that no amount of
evidence to the contrary, no amount of assurance from others can truly make
them change their opinion about themselves. Essentially, they have a low
self-esteem. Self Esteem is
nothing but the belief that each one of us has about ourselves, and our ability
to deal with life’s challenges. It is the opinion that you have about yourself.
If you have a good opinion about yourself, you are said to have a high
self-esteem. In contrast, if your opinion about yourself is poor, you have low
self-esteem. A lot of people suffer from low self-esteem. These are people who
have a very low self-image, low self-confidence, and feel they are good for
nothing.
Self Esteem is largely shaped in childhood, and parents play a crucial
role in this process. You must have heard often enough that a child’s mind is
like wet clay, waiting to be shaped and moulded. Children look at parents as
their mirrors, and they believe that everything parents say is true. So if we
were repeatedly told as children that we are adored and loved, we will grow up
feeling loved and adored, and feeling good about ourselves. Similarly, if a
child repeatedly hears how ashamed parents are with her behaviour, she will
soon start feeling ashamed of herself, and there her self-esteem will plummet.
Think back to your own childhood, and try and remember what is it that you most
remember your parents saying to you.....how much of it is still part of what
you believe of yourself? After parents, all the other significant people in
your life contribute to building our self-esteem: siblings, relatives,
teachers, friends….. all contribute to shaping our thoughts about ourselves.
Once we grow up, we often continue with the same ideas and opinions
about us that all these people had – we internalise these and firm up our
belief about ourselves. Later in life, we keep viewing everything that happens
from this perspective, further creating experiences and situations which will
strengthen this belief that we have about ourselves. Thus, a person who grows
up feeling inferior will always feel inferior, in every situation. And a person
who grows up feeling capable and confident, will face even the most challenging
of situations with a sense of confidence.
Now, you may think
that there are several situations in which you feel nervous and unsure about
yourself. Does that mean you have an inferiority complex? Not necessarily!
During challenging, difficult and stressful situations, it is natural and
normal to experience some amount of uncertainty and trepidation. Similarly, in
novel situations too, one is somewhat tentative. So, if you feel nervous when
you go for a job interview, while giving an important exam, when attempting a
tough task, it’s really fine! However, when lack of self-assurance becomes your
second nature, when you constantly doubt yourself and your abilities, no matter
what the situation, then it is something you need to look into, and change
about yourself.
So how can one fight
this constant feeling of inferiority? Is there any way to get out of it? Sure,
there are plenty of things that you can do to change this about yourself. Let’s
look at some of these:
Accept Yourself As
You Are: Self-Acceptance is the key to resolving your
inferiority complex. We all know that each of us is unique, and as such, we
each have our set of strengths, weaknesses, qualities we are proud of and
qualities we are embarrassed about. Love and accept who you are ….. it goes
without saying, if you don’t accept yourself, how and why will the world?
Self-acceptance brings a sense of peace, which pervades your aura, and can
shine through your body language, your posture, your tone of voice.
Drop the Comparison! We often
create and flame feelings of inferiority by comparing ourselves with others.
It’s good to have a role model, a benchmark to follow; however, remember, you
should always compare with your own past performance. If you keep comparing
yourself with others, you will never match up, because once you match up with
one person on one quality, there will be several others who will be better, and
it becomes an endless struggle then. Remember Snow White’s step mother; despite
having so much beauty herself, she could never have peace because she always
wanted to be the better than others.
Change Your Self
Talk: While our self-esteem is shaped by others around us during childhood,
once we grow up, we are the ones who propagate the inferiority by constantly
putting ourselves down. Start watching your own internal dialogue and you will
realize how many negative messages you give yourself throughout the day. Starting
today, resolve to change your self talk. Use positive statements, affirm to
yourself that you will try your best and succeed, and break the cycle of
negative thought patterns.
Build Perspective: Setbacks
and failures happen to everyone, and you are no exception. It is important to
keep the right perspective when things don’t go well. Instead of beating
yourself up and further fuelling your inferiority complex, take a realistic
stock of the situation. Assess your mistakes, see what you need to do differently,
and most importantly, MOVE ON!
Most importantly,
every time your internal voice tells you that you are not good enough, or
inferior in any way, don’t just accept that! Question, confront, and resolve it
there and then. You have been accepting that voice for long enough, it is now
time to challenge that voice, and once and for all, defeat that self-defeating
approach, which may make you feel inferior in front of others.
