Happy Birthday, Disha!

Four Girls, One Dream --- that of setting up a complete mental health center in Mumbai. This was what brought the four of us together to create Disha in the March of 1999. Studying together since our junior college in D.G.Ruparel College, the four of us --- Shital, Mugdha, Anuradha, and myself, Samindara had always been friends. We became good friends in our final year, when we specialized in Psychology. The Psychology Lab in Ruparel was the place where we truly bonded. This bond further strengthened in the course of our MA at the University Campus in Kalina, where Shital, Anu and Mugdha specialized in Counseling Psychology, while I specialized in Clinical Psychology. It was during our second year of MA that we realized that the same dream resided in each of our hearts. That was when we decided that some day, we would start a counseling center of our own …….

Well, after our MA, each of us was eager to set off on our professional paths. I went on to join a school as a school counselor, while Anu and Mugdha joined a counseling center as psychologists. Shital, also a serious danseuse took a short break to focus on her dance exams. During a get together at Shital’s house once, we all got to talking about how we felt confined in our work places, how we could not do the things we wanted to do. Suddenly we felt, why not try to set up our own center? We got to brainstorming about ideas. Several of our friends were also there, among them Kavita, Sunita, Teju, and Ravi, who later went on to become Shital’s life partner. All of the above contributed with several valuable ideas and thoughts.

Once the seed was sowed, things just started falling into place. And on 7^th March 1999, Disha came into being. With whole hearted support from our family members, friends, teachers and professors, we started work at a small place near Citylight Theater in Mahim. We started with a miniscule capital of Rs. 40000/-, most of which we used for buying relevant psychometric tests. But what we lacked in capital, we more than made up in blessings, good will, support and above all, the will to work hard and make Disha a success!

From there to today, 12 years later, Disha has come a long way. Today, in addition to us 4, Disha has a staff of 5, and several other associate consultants, who happily work for us as and when needed. Our services, which started with aptitude testing and career guidance and individual psychotherapy, today cover the entire spectrum of services in mental health, ranging from clinical assessments, in-depth vocational guidance, workshops for various target groups, individual and group psychotherapy, assessments for the gifted, the hyperactive and the autistic children, corporate assessments, and many more programs. We also provide our services to several well known schools and colleges in Mumbai and our corporate client list includes well known companies such as Pepsi, Larsen & Toubro, Hindustan Lever Research Center, Kesari Tours, Ranbaxy Laboratories, Reliance Energy and so forth.

But it has not been all smooth sailing. Along the way, mistakes have been made, and bitter lessons have been learnt. All of us had the knowledge of our field, but how to become entrepreneurs is something we have learnt along the way. There has been many an occasion where our strength has been tested; one occasion particularly stands out in my mind. It was an October day 4 years ago, when we had done very poor business, there was no work, and no money to pay next month’s rent. It was a dismal day . . . and a nadir for us. However, it also turned out to be a turning point, because we refocused ourselves and with renewed vigor started working towards getting Disha back on feet. And from that point, I am happy to say, Disha has only moved from strength to strength. On introspection, we have realized that ups and downs are part of any business. But if an organization has a committed team and a strong value system, business losses can’t really make much of a dent in an organization’s long term functioning.

There have been other mistakes as well. We were too trusting, and thus allowed ourselves to be vulnerable to being cheated. We found it difficult to demand payment from errant clients, we under quoted and consequently suffered losses. We were, and continue to be, poor in our marketing abilities, and always find it difficult to blow our own trumpet, a skill that is vital in today’s competitive market. But God has been kind on us. Most of our business has been generated through word of mouth, and we’ve often had repeat business from satisfied customers.

People have often asked us ….. how do four women manage to run a business? Don’t you’ll ever get into fights? Fights, not really! Arguments, plenty! We regularly have our share of differences, and there have been many major decisions over which we have locked horns with each other. But like I said earlier, we have a very clear value system, and that acts as our guiding star, where any major decision is to be taken. Anything that clashes with our values and ethical principles is rejected, and there are never two ways about it. I can say with pride that though there have been plenty of opportunities to take short cuts and make profits, we have NEVER been tempted by those. That is our strength, and has always been. As for other differences, we believe in taking team decisions, and usually go ahead with what the majority thinks is right. So yes, we do have our differences, but we always manage to resolve them in mature manner. For each of us, the priority is very clearly Disha and Disha’s success. So the differences are really pertaining to maybe how things should be done, and these get resolved along the way. Further, it helps that we are not only business colleagues, but also the best of friends.

None of this would have been possible had we not had the support of our family members. All of us were single when we started Disha, and our parents and siblings provided us with unstinting support as well as practical help. The initial capital of course came from our parents, and our siblings chipped in not only with ideas and advice but also with the actual setting up of Disha. All four of us were also lucky to be married to partners and into families who were appreciative and supportive of our venture. As business has grown, so have our responsibilities and we often reach home late, travel outstation, and more often than not, carry work home. Though living in joint families, our in-laws have always been understanding and have in fact gone out of their ways to support us. As for our husbands, they have been our backbone, our strength in trying times. I can truly say that Disha’s success is not simply the success of us four. The foundation of our success is laid in this love, understanding and support that we have received from our family, friends, and well wishers.

Child Psychology and Education

The role of the school is not restricted to mere imparting of knowledge. Children spend a major chunk of their time in school. They learn a lot more than History, Maths and Science! They learn to respect elders and peers. They learn to share, care and value each other. They learn modes of acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, they learn morals and ethics……thus, schools and teachers play a major role in shaping and moulding a child.

As such, having some insights into how a child thinks, perceives, responds and interprets situations is critical for a teacher. A teacher who is able to see beyond a child who hits other children, and is sensitive to his mind, will know that he is probably being abused by someone at home. A sensitive teacher will notice a child who is quiet and withdrawn, and will try to understand his state of mind…..

A teacher need not be an expert in child psychology to be able to do this. Many experienced teachers will be able to instinctively tell what is going on in the mind of a child. However, some knowledge and understanding of basic principles of child psychology will certainly be helpful.

Let us look at some of the basic behaviours of children, and try to get an insight into the motives behind their behaviours.

· Negative Attention is Better Than No Attention: This is something which most teachers will have noticed. Every child craves for the teacher’s attention. Especially for you preschool teachers, you will have experience of children clamouring to show you little things, tell you stuff so that they have your attention. A child who feels that he or she is not receiving enough attention from you, will try and get your attention in various ways. If he feels good behaviour is not getting the attention he wants, he will resort to talking out of turn, hitting others, screaming so that the teacher’s attention is drawn to him. Remember, a lot of children’s misbehaviour is a cry for attention!

· Children Cant Express Their Troubles: Remember, most young children have not yet developed the skills to express what they are going through with the use of words. Thus, when children are upset, for whatever reason, you will detect changes in their behaviour. You will notice them doing things that they usually don’t do. A talkative and bubbly child will suddenly become withdrawn, a peaceful child may become aggressive….when you notice such changes, try to explore what is bothering the child.

· Children Possess High Doses of Imagination and Creativity: As teachers, its critical that we don’t, in any way, discourage this creativity. Children will often come up with novel and innovative suggestions, ideas that you and I wont even be able to think about…..at times, we may inadvertently discourage creativity in children. For example, one child in Jr.K.G. drew a landscape painting. Looking at it, the teacher exclaimed, “Its beautiful Rosie, but why have you painted the river purple? Water is never purple!” Well, the teacher is right, but a good way to teach this to the child would be to first ask her why she had drawn the water purple….you might be amazed with the answer!

· Children Learn Through Exploration: Children learn the most till the age of 7 years. During this phase, we have to allow them to explore their environment, find things out for themselves, and encourage their curiosity. Allow them to mess up with paint and paper, and above all, allow them to make mistakes while they learn to write, draw, and learn concepts!

· Every Child Is Unique: We often say that every child is unique, and then we compare children to each other and expect them to behave in a certain way! As teachers, its important for us to remember that every child is unique and special in some way, and no matter how experienced you are, there are going to be times when something some child does leaves you stunned for a minute. At such times, dealing with the situation sensitively will go a long way in boosting the child’s morale.

· Children Need Roots As Well as Wings! Children, when they first start attending school, have very little experience with structure. And all said and done, school entails some form of structure, rules and disciplines, even at the pre-school level. While this is certainly important and even desirable, as teachers, you need to be sensitive to the fact that you will have to help the child slowly get accustomed to structure and start internalising it, rather than follow it out of compulsion. At the same time, it is also important to give them enough space and freedom to allow their imagination and curiosity to thrive. This is a key challenge for every teacher: this balancing act between structure and freedom. As someone has so rightly said, we have to give our children wings to soar, while at the same time, give them a sense of security and belongingness, of being rooted firmly in reality!

Marital Counseling: Myths and Facts

Even in today’s modernized India, visiting a psychologist or a counselor is looked down upon by many people. For most people, a psychologist is only for the “crazy” people. This is far from reality. Psychologists can and do help people who are having difficulty coping with a current life situation. Most “normal” people go through certain crises, certain difficulties at varying points in their life, and at times it may become difficult to cope with these difficulties. At such times, counseling can definitely help!

One such area in which a psychologist can help is when your marriage is going through a rough patch. Marital counseling or marital therapy is very much the need of the day. Day by day, psychologists see an increase in the number of couples who come to them to seek their help in sorting out their marriage……why is this the case? A look at the statistics will show us that the divorce rates in urban India are on the rise. The very definition of the term “marriage” has altered; it is no longer seen as a “Till death do us part” kind of a commitment. Couples today have different expectations from their marriage and from their spouse, different roles to play in the relationship, and different ways of coping with difficulties then was the case earlier. With women becoming more independent, emotionally as well as financially, the status quo within the partners has changed. Whereas earlier the woman was assumed to be the submissive partner, this is no longer accepted by women today. This in turn has given rise to issues related to equality, responsibility sharing within the marriage and the dividing lines between the roles played out by the husband and the wife have dimmed.

So, if the above scenario applies to you, if you identify with one or more of the issues mentioned above, what should you do? Where does this leave you and your marriage? Is it a totally hopeless scene for you? Or do you think you can seek the help of a marriage counselor to help you sort certain things out?

Before you answer to this question with either a “Yes” or a “No”, let us look at some of the myths regarding marriage counseling, as well as the facts.

Myth: You should not take your internal family problems to the outside world. You have to deal your problems on your own.

Reality: At times, when you are undergoing a stressful situation, you tend to lose perspective, and it becomes difficult for you to assess the situation objectively. Your family and friends are also involved, because they care for you, and they will tell you whether you are “right” or “wrong” in behaving or thinking in some way. They may also be unable to be objective about what you are going to. They are either on your side or your spouse’s! A marriage counselor, on the other hand, is trained to help you see the situation in an unbiased, objective manner. He or she has no vested interest in anybody’s side, and his/her only intent is to help you assess the situation in a better way so that certain conflicts can be resolved.

Myth: I am totally confused and don’t know what to do. I will go to a marriage counselor who will tell me what I should be doing.

Reality: A therapist will not take a decision for you! S/he will help you see the pros and cons, assess certain conflict areas objectively, take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and actions and arrive at certain conclusions. S/he will not advise you on what you should be doing; the ultimate decision has to be yours and your spouse’s.

Myth: I will go to a therapist as a last resort, if nothing else works.

Reality: My clinical experience has shown that the earlier the couple comes to the psychologist, the more likely they are to remain in the relationship. When conflicts escalate, a lot of bitterness and resentment in created is the minds of the spouses, and after a certain point, it becomes difficult to put that behind and work on the marriage. So the moment you realize that things are going out of your control, contact a marriage therapist! It will help you cope with problems before they become too big.

Myth: Counseling will definitely save my marriage.

Reality: Not always. Sometimes, through counseling, you may come to the realization that it is best that you and your spouse part ways and separate. Sad though this may be, at times that might be the best possible outcome. Most times though, the role of a counselor is to see whether the couple can work on their differences, learn to accept each other with the “flaws”, learn to compromise and live happily despite the differences.

So, if you or anyone you know is grappling with a marital difficulty and is unable to deal with it, do think about consulting with a marriage counselor. Sometimes, even a single session is enough to see things in perspective and take certain decisions; at other times, the problems may be more deep rooted and would require a number of sessions, jointly or individually, depending on the dynamics of the marital dyad, before you can reach any kind of resolution. But at least you will be on the right step toward the resolution of your problems.

Ms. Samindara Hardikar-Sawant

Clinical Psychologist

Disha Counseling Center

Depression in Children

Preeti was a popular and intelligent student, who always did well in school and was liked by her teachers. However, teachers were surprised to find a sudden drop in her performance when midyear in class 7. An otherwise outgoing and gregarious student, Preeti slowly started withdrawing from others and did not seem interested in studies. Known for her neatness and meticulous work, she started submitting incomplete and messy worksheets. Over time, she always came across as uninterested and demotivated, lost in her own thoughts, and not interacting with anyone in school.

Preeti was suffering from childhood depression. Her parents were shocked to hear this, and refused to accept it, stating that it was impossible! Sadly, it is possible, and it is the reality for many children like Preeti. Statistics show that about 2-3 % school-going children suffer from clinical depression. Depression is a mental illness characterized by a persistent negative or sad mood and a loss of interest in activities. There are several other symptoms, such as changes in sleep patterns, changes in eating habits, feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness, difficulty concentrating and so forth.

How can I know if my child is depressed?

The presentation of depression in children can be different from that in adults, and can take various forms. Children are unable to express their negative feelings verbally, and often, the depression manifests itself in one or more of the following symptoms:

• Drop in academic performance: This is often the first presentation. Typically, depressed students start doing poorly in school. As depression also has repercussions on concentration, memory as well as motivation, grades start falling.
• Physical Complaints: The child may complain of vague health problems like stomach aches, headaches and so forth.
• Irritability, sadness and crying: All children throw tantrums from time to time, all children are irritable and tearful at times. But check if this is happening more often than usual and for a number of weeks.
• Loss of interest in activities otherwise enjoyed by the child: If a child shows disinterest in his or her favorite toys, activities, games and so forth, for a considerable period of time.
• Withdrawing from friends: Of course, many children are by nature introverted and prefer to be by themselves. However, if a child who is otherwise outgoing and sociable suddenly starts staying away from or avoiding friends, its worth looking into.
• Sleep problems: the child may become restless in his sleep, or may suddebly wake up at night, or may find it difficult to go to sleep.
• Appetite changes: A depressed child may either lose his appetite, or may start eating more.
• Suicidal thoughts: In extreme cases, the child may start contemplating suicide.

What do I do if my child is depressed?

First of all, don’t blame yourself! As parents, guilt is the first thing that will come to haunt us. Is it something I did or did not do that has caused depression in my child? While it is true that life situations and environmental factors can trigger a depressive episode, remember that depression is an illness, like any other illness and needs to be treated as such. So leave the guilt aside, and focus on getting help for your child.

The first step is to get the child assessed. Timely diagnosis and intervention are crucial, as untreated depression can have devastating effects on the child’s self esteem, future psychological health as well as, in some cases, the safety of the child. This is where the role of the school psychologist or any other mental health professional becomes important. Once a child has been diagnosed as suffering from depression, and its severity assessed, a comprehensive treatment plan needs to be charted out. Counseling and supportive psychotherapy can help the child cope with the depression and associated symptoms. Family therapy is also critical, as it helps the family handle the child better, as well helping family members cope with the child’s depression. In instances where the depression is particularly severe, medication may become necessary.

Depression is a potentially serious mental illness that can have far reaching and at times devastating effects on our children. So if you notice your child showing signs of depression, please talk to your family physician or the school counsellor. With timely intervention, depression can be successfully treated.

Parenting Tools: Structure

"You cannot divorce learning from life." The truth of these words, quoted by Virginia Axline in her celebrated book 'Play Therapy' gradually dawned on me in the course of my job as a counselor for young children. The education of our children begins long before they join school. Indeed, life is one long tryst with the acquisition of knowledge, right from our first breath through our last.

Today our entire outlook toward education has taken a turnaround. The focus now is on child-centered education. There is an increasing emphasis on the playway method, on keeping the learning environment as unstructured as possible, on giving children the freedom to learn at their own pace. Unfortunately, in this overarching movement toward letting children be, we often tend to overlook the fact that a total lack of structure can be immensely unnerving to any person, let alone a child. Imagine going about with your life without having the slightest notion of what is going to happen the next minute….or hour…..or day! Scary thought, that! More like walking on the precipice of the terrace of a skyscraper…but a terrace without walls! We all need some structure, don’t we, a framework within which we can function?

Sure the not knowing, the suspense can be exciting; creative; adventurous; enthralling. Letting the child be by himself, the way he wants to be, giving him space and the freedom to work at his own pace can truly result in spurts of creative inspiration; make the child scale new heights, explore the unexplored, and utilize his potentials to the hilt. I don’t deny that. But what we need to realize is that even a bird soaring high into the skies, reaching out for the clouds needs the assurance of a nest to come home to, a place he can call his own and where he can unwind himself. So also for a child, daily on the brink of new discoveries and inspired flights to unknown lands on the wings of imagination, there ought to be the security of the routine, some parameter to measure his creativity against. Surely a certain amount of predictable pattern regarding daily activities won't do the child any harm? A fixed time for eating, sleeping, waking up, studying will not curb his growth. In fact, it will only go on to inculcate self-discipline in the child, which is after all, one of the most precious gift we can extend to our child.

Of course this is not to say that a child has to be pinned down to a set of rigid rules and criteria, beyond which he cannot venture. Definitely not. But what needs to be done is to lay down some ground rules --- clear, precise, and above all, reasonable. The idea is to give the child's creativity a direction, to harness and channelize his energies constructively. And this can be done only at an early age, when the child's mind is impressionable and eager and curious --- wet clay, waiting to be molded. It's an awesome responsibility; one that cannot be taken lightly. For it is a well-documented fact that habits inculcated in childhood stay with the person throughout his entire lifetime. In fact, there is even a popular maxim which says: Old habits die hard. So let us all join hands --- teacher and parent, school and home, and try to find the golden mean, strike the right balance between structure and freedom!

What is My Intelligence

Many of us have heard of the word ‘IQ’ often enough. As you may know, IQ refers to your intelligence quotient, or in other words, gives an indication of how intelligent you are. However, do you also know that there are many different kinds of intelligence, and each of us possesses at least one of those? Not all these intelligences are measured by the IQ tests, which focus more on academics. Let us look at what these types of intelligence are, and try and understand what category you belong to.

The psychologist Howard Gardner initially formulated a list of seven intelligences. The first two are ones that have been typically valued in schools; the next three are usually associated with the arts; and the final two are what Howard Gardner called 'personal intelligences'
Verbal or Linguistic intelligence ("word smart"): One of the heavily emphasized intelligences in the classroom. It has been valued because it matches the way we have taught traditionally: lecture, recitation, textbooks, and board work. It includes the ability to express oneself orally and in writing, as well as the ability to master foreign languages.
Logical-mathematical intelligence ("number/reasoning smart"): This too, is highly valued in school. It is not the intelligence only of Mathematics, but of logic and reasoning. This intelligence allows us to be problem solvers. It seeks structure in the learning environment and thrives on sequenced, orderly lessons.
Spatial intelligence ("picture smart"): Provides for spatial reasoning through the use of charts, graphs, maps, tables, illustrations, art, puzzles, costumes and many other materials. If you are a student who finds it easier to remember concepts that are presented in graphcal or pictorial ways, then chances are that you possess spatial or visual intelligence.
Bodily-Kinesthetic intelligence ("body smart"): This is the intelligence of interacting with your physical environment. If you enjoyt physical activities, sports, experimenting in the lab, “doing” thinks rather than reading about them, it indicates that perhaps your kinesthic intelligence is better developed.
Musical intelligence ("music smart"): This is the intelligence of understanding patterns, including songs, poetry, instruments, environmental sounds, and response to rhythms. By picking up the patterns in different situations, learners are able to make sense of their environment and adapt successfully. Those who have a natural “gift” for music, writing poetry, singing, dancing possesses a good musical intelligence.
Interpersonal intelligence ("people smart"): Refers to the intelligence of interacting well with others. Those of you who have the knack of getting along well with others, understainding and perceiving the feelings of others possess more of this.
Intrapersonal intelligence ("self smart"): Is the intelligence of feelings, values and attitudes. The intrapersonal intelligence helps the student connect emotionally with the subject. If you often tend to ask why you need to learn something or try to understand hw something affects you, then you are exercising your intrapersonal intelligence.
Naturalist intelligence ("nature smart"): Is the intelligence of classification. While the naturalist intelligence can include biology, botany, zoology, archaeology and geology, consider the processes that these disciplines utilize: classification, categorization, and hierarchical frameworks.

SO which of the above describes you best? Once you know what is your strength, you will be able to make the best use of your abilities.

Parenting the Gifted Child

Parenting……one of life’s greatest challenges. This challenge becomes many times more complex when the child you are parenting is a gifted one. Finding out that your child is gifted tends to intimidate and humble most parents, and they usually ask themselves, “Will I be able to be a good enough parent to this child who is so special?”

Indeed, this fear and worry is justified enough! For raising a gifted or talented child can be a full time task, and more! Your little bundle of joy will want to know answers to all the mysteries of life, will require less sleep than most peers, will be an outrageous perfectionist, will find school boring and uninteresting, will rarely have close friends who really understand him or her, and will always want to do something. Just thinking about it can leave many parents exhausted. It would seem as though to meet the demands of this child, you need to have the brains of Einstein, the resources of Bill Gates, and the understanding and sensitivity of Gandhiji! Tough ask, that.

But wait! The situation isn’t that hopeless, and all is not lost. You will be relieved to know that gifted students who succeed the most in life or who are the best adjusted are the one who come from healthy, “normal” families. From families where their special talent is nurtured and cherished, from families where there is a lot of communication and sharing of thoughts and ideas, even healthy, dinner table arguments, from families where the child is loved, above all, from families that have faith in them. After all, that’s not too difficult, is it? The important thing is to enjoy your child and his childhood, for after all; these children grow up real fast. And while you are doing that, feed the child’s interests, respond to his changing needs, recognize that this child’s needs will be several steps ahead of other kids his age, and communicate with him. Your child will later thank you for recognizing their uniqueness; treasuring and nurturing it and helping them grow.