Marital Counseling: Myths and Facts

Even in today’s modernized India, visiting a psychologist or a counselor is looked down upon by many people. For most people, a psychologist is only for the “crazy” people. This is far from reality. Psychologists can and do help people who are having difficulty coping with a current life situation. Most “normal” people go through certain crises, certain difficulties at varying points in their life, and at times it may become difficult to cope with these difficulties. At such times, counseling can definitely help!

One such area in which a psychologist can help is when your marriage is going through a rough patch. Marital counseling or marital therapy is very much the need of the day. Day by day, psychologists see an increase in the number of couples who come to them to seek their help in sorting out their marriage……why is this the case? A look at the statistics will show us that the divorce rates in urban India are on the rise. The very definition of the term “marriage” has altered; it is no longer seen as a “Till death do us part” kind of a commitment. Couples today have different expectations from their marriage and from their spouse, different roles to play in the relationship, and different ways of coping with difficulties then was the case earlier. With women becoming more independent, emotionally as well as financially, the status quo within the partners has changed. Whereas earlier the woman was assumed to be the submissive partner, this is no longer accepted by women today. This in turn has given rise to issues related to equality, responsibility sharing within the marriage and the dividing lines between the roles played out by the husband and the wife have dimmed.

So, if the above scenario applies to you, if you identify with one or more of the issues mentioned above, what should you do? Where does this leave you and your marriage? Is it a totally hopeless scene for you? Or do you think you can seek the help of a marriage counselor to help you sort certain things out?

Before you answer to this question with either a “Yes” or a “No”, let us look at some of the myths regarding marriage counseling, as well as the facts.

Myth: You should not take your internal family problems to the outside world. You have to deal your problems on your own.

Reality: At times, when you are undergoing a stressful situation, you tend to lose perspective, and it becomes difficult for you to assess the situation objectively. Your family and friends are also involved, because they care for you, and they will tell you whether you are “right” or “wrong” in behaving or thinking in some way. They may also be unable to be objective about what you are going to. They are either on your side or your spouse’s! A marriage counselor, on the other hand, is trained to help you see the situation in an unbiased, objective manner. He or she has no vested interest in anybody’s side, and his/her only intent is to help you assess the situation in a better way so that certain conflicts can be resolved.

Myth: I am totally confused and don’t know what to do. I will go to a marriage counselor who will tell me what I should be doing.

Reality: A therapist will not take a decision for you! S/he will help you see the pros and cons, assess certain conflict areas objectively, take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and actions and arrive at certain conclusions. S/he will not advise you on what you should be doing; the ultimate decision has to be yours and your spouse’s.

Myth: I will go to a therapist as a last resort, if nothing else works.

Reality: My clinical experience has shown that the earlier the couple comes to the psychologist, the more likely they are to remain in the relationship. When conflicts escalate, a lot of bitterness and resentment in created is the minds of the spouses, and after a certain point, it becomes difficult to put that behind and work on the marriage. So the moment you realize that things are going out of your control, contact a marriage therapist! It will help you cope with problems before they become too big.

Myth: Counseling will definitely save my marriage.

Reality: Not always. Sometimes, through counseling, you may come to the realization that it is best that you and your spouse part ways and separate. Sad though this may be, at times that might be the best possible outcome. Most times though, the role of a counselor is to see whether the couple can work on their differences, learn to accept each other with the “flaws”, learn to compromise and live happily despite the differences.

So, if you or anyone you know is grappling with a marital difficulty and is unable to deal with it, do think about consulting with a marriage counselor. Sometimes, even a single session is enough to see things in perspective and take certain decisions; at other times, the problems may be more deep rooted and would require a number of sessions, jointly or individually, depending on the dynamics of the marital dyad, before you can reach any kind of resolution. But at least you will be on the right step toward the resolution of your problems.

Ms. Samindara Hardikar-Sawant

Clinical Psychologist

Disha Counseling Center

Depression in Children

Preeti was a popular and intelligent student, who always did well in school and was liked by her teachers. However, teachers were surprised to find a sudden drop in her performance when midyear in class 7. An otherwise outgoing and gregarious student, Preeti slowly started withdrawing from others and did not seem interested in studies. Known for her neatness and meticulous work, she started submitting incomplete and messy worksheets. Over time, she always came across as uninterested and demotivated, lost in her own thoughts, and not interacting with anyone in school.

Preeti was suffering from childhood depression. Her parents were shocked to hear this, and refused to accept it, stating that it was impossible! Sadly, it is possible, and it is the reality for many children like Preeti. Statistics show that about 2-3 % school-going children suffer from clinical depression. Depression is a mental illness characterized by a persistent negative or sad mood and a loss of interest in activities. There are several other symptoms, such as changes in sleep patterns, changes in eating habits, feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness, difficulty concentrating and so forth.

How can I know if my child is depressed?

The presentation of depression in children can be different from that in adults, and can take various forms. Children are unable to express their negative feelings verbally, and often, the depression manifests itself in one or more of the following symptoms:

• Drop in academic performance: This is often the first presentation. Typically, depressed students start doing poorly in school. As depression also has repercussions on concentration, memory as well as motivation, grades start falling.
• Physical Complaints: The child may complain of vague health problems like stomach aches, headaches and so forth.
• Irritability, sadness and crying: All children throw tantrums from time to time, all children are irritable and tearful at times. But check if this is happening more often than usual and for a number of weeks.
• Loss of interest in activities otherwise enjoyed by the child: If a child shows disinterest in his or her favorite toys, activities, games and so forth, for a considerable period of time.
• Withdrawing from friends: Of course, many children are by nature introverted and prefer to be by themselves. However, if a child who is otherwise outgoing and sociable suddenly starts staying away from or avoiding friends, its worth looking into.
• Sleep problems: the child may become restless in his sleep, or may suddebly wake up at night, or may find it difficult to go to sleep.
• Appetite changes: A depressed child may either lose his appetite, or may start eating more.
• Suicidal thoughts: In extreme cases, the child may start contemplating suicide.

What do I do if my child is depressed?

First of all, don’t blame yourself! As parents, guilt is the first thing that will come to haunt us. Is it something I did or did not do that has caused depression in my child? While it is true that life situations and environmental factors can trigger a depressive episode, remember that depression is an illness, like any other illness and needs to be treated as such. So leave the guilt aside, and focus on getting help for your child.

The first step is to get the child assessed. Timely diagnosis and intervention are crucial, as untreated depression can have devastating effects on the child’s self esteem, future psychological health as well as, in some cases, the safety of the child. This is where the role of the school psychologist or any other mental health professional becomes important. Once a child has been diagnosed as suffering from depression, and its severity assessed, a comprehensive treatment plan needs to be charted out. Counseling and supportive psychotherapy can help the child cope with the depression and associated symptoms. Family therapy is also critical, as it helps the family handle the child better, as well helping family members cope with the child’s depression. In instances where the depression is particularly severe, medication may become necessary.

Depression is a potentially serious mental illness that can have far reaching and at times devastating effects on our children. So if you notice your child showing signs of depression, please talk to your family physician or the school counsellor. With timely intervention, depression can be successfully treated.

Parenting Tools: Structure

"You cannot divorce learning from life." The truth of these words, quoted by Virginia Axline in her celebrated book 'Play Therapy' gradually dawned on me in the course of my job as a counselor for young children. The education of our children begins long before they join school. Indeed, life is one long tryst with the acquisition of knowledge, right from our first breath through our last.

Today our entire outlook toward education has taken a turnaround. The focus now is on child-centered education. There is an increasing emphasis on the playway method, on keeping the learning environment as unstructured as possible, on giving children the freedom to learn at their own pace. Unfortunately, in this overarching movement toward letting children be, we often tend to overlook the fact that a total lack of structure can be immensely unnerving to any person, let alone a child. Imagine going about with your life without having the slightest notion of what is going to happen the next minute….or hour…..or day! Scary thought, that! More like walking on the precipice of the terrace of a skyscraper…but a terrace without walls! We all need some structure, don’t we, a framework within which we can function?

Sure the not knowing, the suspense can be exciting; creative; adventurous; enthralling. Letting the child be by himself, the way he wants to be, giving him space and the freedom to work at his own pace can truly result in spurts of creative inspiration; make the child scale new heights, explore the unexplored, and utilize his potentials to the hilt. I don’t deny that. But what we need to realize is that even a bird soaring high into the skies, reaching out for the clouds needs the assurance of a nest to come home to, a place he can call his own and where he can unwind himself. So also for a child, daily on the brink of new discoveries and inspired flights to unknown lands on the wings of imagination, there ought to be the security of the routine, some parameter to measure his creativity against. Surely a certain amount of predictable pattern regarding daily activities won't do the child any harm? A fixed time for eating, sleeping, waking up, studying will not curb his growth. In fact, it will only go on to inculcate self-discipline in the child, which is after all, one of the most precious gift we can extend to our child.

Of course this is not to say that a child has to be pinned down to a set of rigid rules and criteria, beyond which he cannot venture. Definitely not. But what needs to be done is to lay down some ground rules --- clear, precise, and above all, reasonable. The idea is to give the child's creativity a direction, to harness and channelize his energies constructively. And this can be done only at an early age, when the child's mind is impressionable and eager and curious --- wet clay, waiting to be molded. It's an awesome responsibility; one that cannot be taken lightly. For it is a well-documented fact that habits inculcated in childhood stay with the person throughout his entire lifetime. In fact, there is even a popular maxim which says: Old habits die hard. So let us all join hands --- teacher and parent, school and home, and try to find the golden mean, strike the right balance between structure and freedom!

What is My Intelligence

Many of us have heard of the word ‘IQ’ often enough. As you may know, IQ refers to your intelligence quotient, or in other words, gives an indication of how intelligent you are. However, do you also know that there are many different kinds of intelligence, and each of us possesses at least one of those? Not all these intelligences are measured by the IQ tests, which focus more on academics. Let us look at what these types of intelligence are, and try and understand what category you belong to.

The psychologist Howard Gardner initially formulated a list of seven intelligences. The first two are ones that have been typically valued in schools; the next three are usually associated with the arts; and the final two are what Howard Gardner called 'personal intelligences'
Verbal or Linguistic intelligence ("word smart"): One of the heavily emphasized intelligences in the classroom. It has been valued because it matches the way we have taught traditionally: lecture, recitation, textbooks, and board work. It includes the ability to express oneself orally and in writing, as well as the ability to master foreign languages.
Logical-mathematical intelligence ("number/reasoning smart"): This too, is highly valued in school. It is not the intelligence only of Mathematics, but of logic and reasoning. This intelligence allows us to be problem solvers. It seeks structure in the learning environment and thrives on sequenced, orderly lessons.
Spatial intelligence ("picture smart"): Provides for spatial reasoning through the use of charts, graphs, maps, tables, illustrations, art, puzzles, costumes and many other materials. If you are a student who finds it easier to remember concepts that are presented in graphcal or pictorial ways, then chances are that you possess spatial or visual intelligence.
Bodily-Kinesthetic intelligence ("body smart"): This is the intelligence of interacting with your physical environment. If you enjoyt physical activities, sports, experimenting in the lab, “doing” thinks rather than reading about them, it indicates that perhaps your kinesthic intelligence is better developed.
Musical intelligence ("music smart"): This is the intelligence of understanding patterns, including songs, poetry, instruments, environmental sounds, and response to rhythms. By picking up the patterns in different situations, learners are able to make sense of their environment and adapt successfully. Those who have a natural “gift” for music, writing poetry, singing, dancing possesses a good musical intelligence.
Interpersonal intelligence ("people smart"): Refers to the intelligence of interacting well with others. Those of you who have the knack of getting along well with others, understainding and perceiving the feelings of others possess more of this.
Intrapersonal intelligence ("self smart"): Is the intelligence of feelings, values and attitudes. The intrapersonal intelligence helps the student connect emotionally with the subject. If you often tend to ask why you need to learn something or try to understand hw something affects you, then you are exercising your intrapersonal intelligence.
Naturalist intelligence ("nature smart"): Is the intelligence of classification. While the naturalist intelligence can include biology, botany, zoology, archaeology and geology, consider the processes that these disciplines utilize: classification, categorization, and hierarchical frameworks.

SO which of the above describes you best? Once you know what is your strength, you will be able to make the best use of your abilities.

Parenting the Gifted Child

Parenting……one of life’s greatest challenges. This challenge becomes many times more complex when the child you are parenting is a gifted one. Finding out that your child is gifted tends to intimidate and humble most parents, and they usually ask themselves, “Will I be able to be a good enough parent to this child who is so special?”

Indeed, this fear and worry is justified enough! For raising a gifted or talented child can be a full time task, and more! Your little bundle of joy will want to know answers to all the mysteries of life, will require less sleep than most peers, will be an outrageous perfectionist, will find school boring and uninteresting, will rarely have close friends who really understand him or her, and will always want to do something. Just thinking about it can leave many parents exhausted. It would seem as though to meet the demands of this child, you need to have the brains of Einstein, the resources of Bill Gates, and the understanding and sensitivity of Gandhiji! Tough ask, that.

But wait! The situation isn’t that hopeless, and all is not lost. You will be relieved to know that gifted students who succeed the most in life or who are the best adjusted are the one who come from healthy, “normal” families. From families where their special talent is nurtured and cherished, from families where there is a lot of communication and sharing of thoughts and ideas, even healthy, dinner table arguments, from families where the child is loved, above all, from families that have faith in them. After all, that’s not too difficult, is it? The important thing is to enjoy your child and his childhood, for after all; these children grow up real fast. And while you are doing that, feed the child’s interests, respond to his changing needs, recognize that this child’s needs will be several steps ahead of other kids his age, and communicate with him. Your child will later thank you for recognizing their uniqueness; treasuring and nurturing it and helping them grow.