Elusive Equanimity

As a therapist, a healer, and a spiritual seeker, equanimity is quality that I have always tried to cultivate. People who come for therapy, come, literally, from every emotional walk of life. Every possible shade of negative emotion is manifested in therapy, and as such, one learns to take it in one’s stride. Or so I deluded myself! Until one fine day, not so long ago, in walked Mr. Y, a parent of a teen I was working with, an angry soul, whose anger and negativity was so palpable, so impacting, that it pervaded his aura, the physical space around him, and everyone who came in contact with him. Including me.

Once in a while, we all come across such people. People who are so full of angst and anger, that they leave us completely shaken, uncentered and disturbed. As a healer-therapist, I make it a point to ground myself before my sessions, and cleanse myself after my day is over, to ensure that I do not carry any unwanted emotions, thoughts or energies with me into my personal life. But with Mr. Y., I could not do so for a long time – a couple of weeks, in fact. He affected me, made me angry and upset with his accusations, and the general way in which he was treating his kids. It took me considerable time and effort to re-center myself and continue to interact with him without getting affected.

This incident got me thinking. It made me wonder how I, or anyone for that matter, can go about clearing one’s own space of such extremely strong and negative emotions that others may unknowingly dump on one. Based on what worked for me, I would suggest some or all of the following steps if you ever find yourself in such a situation.

·    Recognise & Acknowledge Your Reactions: Accept that you are reacting to the behaviour, words, body language, or simply the emotional charge of the other person. Take ownership for your own emotions. Instead of saying, “He made me feel depressed”, say to yourself, “I am feeling depressed because of what he said.” Acknowledge that you have unwittingly allowed yourself to be dragged into a game that you do not want to play.

·       Breathe! Practice deep breathing and allow the emotions or feelings to just flow through your body. If you are familiar with any kind of formal breathwork, like Yoga, meditation, Vipassana, Mindfulness practice, prioritise that. If not, then simply close your eyes, and breathe in deeply. As you inhale, feel yourself breathing in peace and calm, and when you exhale, blow out with your mouth, breathing out all the negative emotion that you are experiencing. Do this for at least 7 times, and then check how you feel. Keep doing this breathing work in cycles of 7 until you feel the discharge of the emotion.

·       Practice Forgiveness: Forgive the other person for behaving the way he or she does. You don’t know the battles he is fighting, and what viewpoint he is operating from. Also forgive yourself for all the negative feelings you have developed toward him or her. Accept your human-ness, accept that you are reacting with negativity. Again, there are many beautiful ways to actively practice forgiveness. Hoʻoponopono is one such simple and beautiful practice. It is an ancient Hawaiian technique of practicing forgiveness. Vipassana meditation also teaches you the practice of giving Metta, or waves of friendship, warmth and goodwill to people. If nothing else, simply taking a few moments to express gratitude to the Universe for all the good things in your life will also go a long way in making it easier for you to forgive the person who has impacted you so much.

·         Actively Move On: Lastly, make a concerted effort to move yourself out of that emotional zone, and into something that is constructive and positive. Get started on some task that has been long pending, even if it is something as trivial as cleaning your room, sorting your closet, or calculating your accounts. Engage your mind into tasks that truly require your energy; this makes it difficult for your energy to be available for unhealthy emotions and thoughts.

My experience with Mr. Y. has taught me many things. First and foremost, it has taught me that I do not need to be part of anyone else’s dramas or stories. It is up to me entirely, I can disconnect, cut-off, refuse to be part of his or her life issues by choosing to not respond to any mind-games the other person may knowingly or unknowingly engage in. But more importantly, it taught me that it is up to me to maintain my inner balance, my equanimity and my sense of being centered and grounded. People, situations and experiences may pose challenges in different ways; but ultimately, my peace of mind is my priority, and unless I take active control of it, equanimity will always remain elusive. Last of all, I realised, all over again, that the quest for equanimity is an on-going one. It is not a destination…… but a journey full of important lessons along the way!

Knock Off the Family Fights!

Article was first published in Complete Wellbeing in 2010

Within two years of marriage, Mala and Rakesh found themselves sitting in front of a marriage counsellor, making a last-ditch attempt to save their marriage. Their relationship had started floundering after just three months of their marriage.

Rakesh found it hard to accept that Mala disliked cooking, wanted to eat out every weekend, and was not really passionate about keeping a good house. Mala, on the other hand, felt ‘suffocated’ by Rakesh’s ‘old-fashioned’ expectations, despite the fact that she herself was a working professional.

They both found it hard to tolerate each other’s shortcomings, and these seemed to become greater and greater with every argument they had.

One of the key reasons why the structure of the family unit is crumbling at its very foundation is because people today no longer demonstrate tolerance toward each other. Our grandparents told us that families were founded on patience and tolerance. However, tolerance is an unfamiliar word in the dictionary of today’s generation. And, with good reason.

Increasingly, our society has been egging us on to focus upon ourselves—our goals, our dreams, our ambitions. While earlier, people were brought up to think of their family first, today’s children grow up on generous doses of ambition and competition.

Increasingly, the ‘We’ is getting replaced with the ‘I’. An unforeseen casualty of this shift of focus on oneself is the institution of family as we knew it. In our search for our identity, we have lost touch with that part of ourselves that needs to connect to others.

We have become so self-centred that we often see only our needs and expectations, and fail to realise that these are intricately tied up with the needs and expectations of others in the family.

So what’s the big deal about tolerance? To answer that question, it is important to understand what tolerance means in the context of the family.

In simple terms, tolerance means acceptance—of the unique personality of every family member; of the differences between them; of their quirky, whimsical, idiosyncratic likes and dislikes. Most importantly, tolerance means acceptance of every family member as he or she is.

Let us look at how lack of tolerance can impact our relationships:

1. Impatience towards another’s flaws

Intolerance makes you impatient toward the flaws of your family members.Rima couldn’t deal with her son Deepak’s poor academic performance, and this made her impatient and irritable towards him. She criticised his study habits and his intellectual capabilities all the time.

2. Inability to understand differences in members

Often, tolerance is created by lack of knowledge. Whatever is known and familiar to us becomes good, and whatever is different creates a sense of disharmony.

Shilpa’s son fell in love with, and got married to a girl from another community. While her new daughter-in-law Juhi made every attempt to establish a relationship with her, Shilpa found it hard to relate to a jeans-clad, fashionable and modern girl who barely knew what a kitchen looked like.

3. Lack of openness to differing perspectives

Increasingly, individuals today feel that their ideas, opinions and approaches are correct and those of others are not.

Deepa could not tolerate her daughter-in-law’s cooking because, coming from a different community, her cooking style was different—or in Deepa’s eyes, completely ‘wrong’.

4. Build-up of conflict and tension in relationships

With intolerance, people feel misunderstood and not accepted in the relationship, and this creates a feeling of resentment and negativity, which, in turn, results in frequent conflicts.

In the above example, Deepa criticised her daughter-in-law Trupti, who retaliated. To this, Deepa criticised some more and the argument escalated.

5. Breakdown in communication

Gradually, over a period of time, communication channels start breaking down, resulting in the erosion of the very foundation of the family structure.Nancy’s decision to make modelling her career alienated her from her mother, who was highly conservative. After daily arguments, tears and recriminations, it came to a point where Nancy felt it was too much to take any more, and soon, there was no sharing or discussion between mother and daughter. The only communication was in the form of criticism and counter-criticism. Eventually, Nancy moved out of the house.

OK, so we have made a case for tolerance. Does that mean a wife should allow her husband to come home drunk and abuse their kids every night? Or does it mean that you give your children the message that it’s okay to fail in their exams?

Does tolerance mean you agree to do everything your mother-in-law tells you to do? No! Tolerance is not equal to submission. Nor does tolerance mean that you put up with unacceptable behaviours of your family members.

However, what it does mean is that we try to understand these behaviours in the context of their personalities and experience, and then help them see your point of view. Tolerance means being able to discuss irritating habits and behaviours in a calm and patient manner, such that a solution or compromise can eventually be worked out.

Following are some tips that will help increase your tolerance:

Celebrate differences

Each of us is wired differently, and respond to situations in a different manner. The moment you understand this, you will not only learn to tolerate certain behaviours of your family members, you will be able to appreciate the uniqueness they add to the family.

Put yourself in their shoes

When you find yourself losing patience with any of your family members, it will be helpful to put yourself in their shoes and view the situation the way it appears to them. You will be surprised at the difference in perspective. While you may still find the particular behaviour irritating, you will at least understand where it is stemming from.

Acknowledge your weaknesses

Take some time out to think about your shortcomings and flaws. This will give you a chance to appreciate the tolerance that others in the family demonstrate towards you. After all, it works both ways; if you have to adjust and accept certain things, so do others in the family.

Visualise your life without family

When your patience in running thin, try and imagine a scenario where you are completely by yourself, with none of your family members around you. how does that make you feel? For all your irritation and impatience, ask yourself whether you would be happier without your nagging wife or your demanding daughter. Your answer might surprise you.

Reduce your stress levels

Poor tolerance often stems from being overworked and stressed. Find ways and means to de-stress yourself from time to time. This can be done by engaging in a hobby, working out, meditating, meeting up with friends…. anything that helps you loosen up mentally and physically.

Bond with your family

Besides building tolerance, bonding with family can go a long way in helping you stay together as a unit, especially in difficult situations. So go out on weekends, play board games, watch a movie together, play with your kids… anything that the family as a whole enjoys.

Communicate

One of the best ways to increase tolerance is to communicate your thoughts with your family members in a non-critical manner, and invite them to share theirs. As discussed above, intolerance often stems from lack of knowledge or understanding.

If you communicate with an open mind, and make a genuine attempt to understand and relate to what your family member is telling you, the foundation for an increased understanding is instantaneously laid down.

So, in Mala and Rakesh’s case, this was exactly what their therapist worked on. All she did was encourage them to communicate their perspectives with each other in a calm, non-critical manner.

She further encouraged each of them to be open to the other person’s viewpoint, accept the differences between them, and eventually move toward acceptance of each other’s opinions, upbringing and way of thinking. Ultimately, this resulted in better understanding and tolerance, and they were able to save their marriage.

Be Exam Ready!

Its that time of the year that most students dread……….examinations time! The very thought about exams is a source of fear, worry, tension and anxiety for scores of students the world across. Now that the time for thorough preparations and repeated revisions has gone past, it is time to capitalize on what has already been done and see how we can use our learning to achieve best performance.

Here are a few tips on preparing yourself for exams when they’re just round the corner:

·         Each chapter of your textbook and each section of class notes contain a limited number of central ideas.  Work toward knowing these main points well and learning some of the supporting detail.

·         Develop a study action plan: Determine the total study time available to you and decide how you want to allocate it. Write down the specific hours you will study each subject.  (Use your best study times for the most challenging subjects). Review your study plan from time to time, and see whether you are in pace with it.

·         Develop a positive attitude: Approach the test-taking situation rationally and optimistically.  When a negative, illogical thought creeps into your awareness (e.g., "I know I'm going to fail this exam," or "If I fail this exam I'll never get a good job"), counter it with a positive, realistic thought (e.g., "I'll do the best I can on this exam," or "I know I can prepare well for this exam").

·         Try not to get overwhelmed.  Break the task of studying into manageable pieces and consider sharing the task with a small study group.  If each person in a study group becomes an "expert" on a small portion of the material, he/she then can teach the rest of the group.

·         Develop at least 3 coping statements to take with you into the exam hall.  Learn to cheer yourself ("I can do it!") and keep your perspective ("I don't have to be perfect; I just have to do my best").

·         Before looking at the exam, close your eyes and visualize success:  Imagine yourself opening the exam and reviewing the questions calmly and with a feeling of competence.  In the middle of the exam, if you feel panicked, close your eyes and return to the calming visualization.

·         Learn to relax when you feel yourself tensing up. Use whatever strategy works for you: yoga, using visual imagery to take “instant vacation”, deep breathing and so forth.

The Night Before the Exams ……..

1.         Spend your last hours calmly reviewing what you've learned. Try not to tackle new material then.

2.         Avoid staying up all night. The shorter you are on sleep the less clearly you will be able to think and write what you know on the exam.

3.         Cram selectively. The night before an exam when you are more anxious than usual is one of the least effective times for study. Your ability to deal with concepts and synthesize material is greatly reduced, and even your ability to memorize is impaired by marked anxiety. Cramming only serves to make you more frantic about the exam and, hence, less prepared to do your best. If you do come up to exam time unprepared, use your last minute studying as a review of key concepts, instead of trying to learn it all. Be realistic about what you can accomplish: set priorities based on what you expect to be emphasized on the test. Stay calm.

Remember, exams are an opportunity to display what you have learnt in the entire year. Use this opportunity smartly and wisely, and success will be assured!

All the Best!

Seeking The Self - The Adolescent's Quest for Identity

To be, or not to be, that is the question!

This famous quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, sums up beautifully, the chaos and confusion that most adolescents go through, in their quest to figure out who they are.

Am I a child ….. or a grown up already?

Do I know my mind ….. or am I confused?

I want to be a musician …. No, a scientist ….. or do I wish to be a gardener?

This confusion, this not quite knowing who you are, is very much a part of growing up, very much a part of the saga of being an adolescence. We have all heard of parents who wonder where their little bundle of joy had gone, and who this unknown stranger was, who was impersonating as their child!

As parents, it is important for us to understand that as children enter their teens, they start a process of discovering themselves. It’s a period of upheaval, and while some may make this transition smoothly, for most it is a roller coaster ride. And we get to ride with them for free! How we can make this transition easier for them and for us, is to understand what it’s all about.

The term ‘identity crisis’ was coined by psychologist Erik Erikson. He believed that it was an important developmental crisis that most humans experienced in their adolescent years. In simple words, adolescence is a period when individuals start questioning the beliefs, values and ideas that they have so far been accepting and following. As a child, we always accept what our parents, teachers, community, peers tell us. No questions asked. It is now, in this growing up period, that we start asking questions, start asking what we want for ourselves. Naturally, we experience a period of confusion, as we no longer blindly believe what we have believed so far. If we sail through this period, we will have formed a clear identity for ourselves. However, if we are unable to do so, then we experience identity confusion.

What are the things that can help a growing adolescent form a strong and clear identity? Here are a few things that can help:

• Encourage Questions and Doubts: Your teen will ask you a lot of uncomfortable questions, about values, about God and religion, about principles and ways of doing things. Encourage this. Don’t put it down by saying “that’s the way things are done!” Answer his questions to the best of your abilities, and if you cannot, direct him to the right source.
• Be Non Judgmental: This is a tough one. It’s hard not to be judgmental about the clothes your child likes, the hairstyles, the music, the friends …. The values. But have patience. Your teen is going through a phase where he is exploring, experimenting, trying out different things to see what fits best with the person that he or she is. Give him the space to do so!
• Have Faith in Your Upbringing: If you have instilled the right values in your child, or even if you are a teacher, in your students, you don’t have to worry much. While, the adolescent will go through this stage of questioning and rejecting, if she has a strong foundation and base, she will come around. She may not believe in all the things that you do, but sure enough, what she believes in, she will stand by!

Doing the above will help your teenager feel comfortable and confident in going through this process, and your patience will bear fruit. Before you know it, your pricky, irksome teenager will have grown into a beautiful human being with values that he stands by!

Work From Home????

A few days back, both me and my hubby were to be 'Working From Home'. This is such an amazing concept, the facility to occasionally work from home (WFH), especially so for women .... well that is what I always thought, until that day!

This is how my WFH day went:

6.30 am: Wake up a whole 45 minutes later than a work day, and feel ridiculously happy at having had that luxury!

7.00 am - 8.00 am: Put in an hour's work already, before the household wakes up 

8.00 am - 9.00 am: Usual morning household chores - offfice or no office, these have to be done!

9.15 am - 10.30 am: Actually work!

10.30 am - 11.30 am: Since I happen to be home, family makes demands for Aamras Puri, so, hibernate the laptop, and go into the kitchen to make the Aamras (while in the mind, churing out recommendations for the report I have left half way).

11.30 am - 1.00 pm: Work again.

1.00 pm - 2.00 pm: Lunch yourself, get the kids and the rest of the family to lunch

2.00 pm - 2.30 pm: Put the little one to sleep

2.30 pm - 5.00 pm: Work (Phew! All is calm for a few precious hours, the family sated and resting after a hearty lunch)

5.00 pm: Aryaveer wakes up, and its time to shut down the laptop for the day. And that's the end of my WFH for the day ....

In striking contrast, this is how Nilesh's WFH day went:

9.00 am: Wake up, a whole 2 hours late!

9.00 am - 9.30 am: Bath and a leisurely breakfast

9.30 am - 5.30 pm: Shut yourself with your laptop and your cell in one of the bedrooms, and start work!!!! Venture out for lunch in the afternoon, and shut yourself back up again!!!!!

Huh!!!!!

Mirror Mirror on the Wall ...... Understanding Inferiority Complex

“Mirror Mirror on the Wall

Who is the prettiest of them all……”

We all know the story of Snow White, and her wicked step-mother, who could not bear the idea of anyone else being more beautiful than her. The idea that someone else could be more beautiful was enough to drive her to murderous thoughts. Some would say this was because she was vain and selfish. However, if we pause to think about why she guarded her beauty so fiercely, we will realize that at the root of it lay a strong feeling of inferiority, a belief that her beauty was the only thing that was worthy in her, and if someone else was found to be more beautiful, it negated her identity. She was not comfortable in her own skin, and always worried that someone will surpass her. To put it simply, she had an Inferiority Complex.

People with an inferiority complex often believe that they are not as capable, as efficient, as popular, as others. This feeling is so deeply ingrained, that no amount of evidence to the contrary, no amount of assurance from others can truly make them change their opinion about themselves. Essentially, they have a low self-esteem. Self Esteem is nothing but the belief that each one of us has about ourselves, and our ability to deal with life’s challenges. It is the opinion that you have about yourself. If you have a good opinion about yourself, you are said to have a high self-esteem. In contrast, if your opinion about yourself is poor, you have low self-esteem. A lot of people suffer from low self-esteem. These are people who have a very low self-image, low self-confidence, and feel they are good for nothing.

Self Esteem is largely shaped in childhood, and parents play a crucial role in this process. You must have heard often enough that a child’s mind is like wet clay, waiting to be shaped and moulded. Children look at parents as their mirrors, and they believe that everything parents say is true. So if we were repeatedly told as children that we are adored and loved, we will grow up feeling loved and adored, and feeling good about ourselves. Similarly, if a child repeatedly hears how ashamed parents are with her behaviour, she will soon start feeling ashamed of herself, and there her self-esteem will plummet. Think back to your own childhood, and try and remember what is it that you most remember your parents saying to you.....how much of it is still part of what you believe of yourself? After parents, all the other significant people in your life contribute to building our self-esteem: siblings, relatives, teachers, friends….. all contribute to shaping our thoughts about ourselves.

Once we grow up, we often continue with the same ideas and opinions about us that all these people had – we internalise these and firm up our belief about ourselves. Later in life, we keep viewing everything that happens from this perspective, further creating experiences and situations which will strengthen this belief that we have about ourselves. Thus, a person who grows up feeling inferior will always feel inferior, in every situation. And a person who grows up feeling capable and confident, will face even the most challenging of situations with a sense of confidence.

Now, you may think that there are several situations in which you feel nervous and unsure about yourself. Does that mean you have an inferiority complex? Not necessarily! During challenging, difficult and stressful situations, it is natural and normal to experience some amount of uncertainty and trepidation. Similarly, in novel situations too, one is somewhat tentative. So, if you feel nervous when you go for a job interview, while giving an important exam, when attempting a tough task, it’s really fine! However, when lack of self-assurance becomes your second nature, when you constantly doubt yourself and your abilities, no matter what the situation, then it is something you need to look into, and change about yourself.

So how can one fight this constant feeling of inferiority? Is there any way to get out of it? Sure, there are plenty of things that you can do to change this about yourself. Let’s look at some of these:

Accept Yourself As You Are: Self-Acceptance is the key to resolving your inferiority complex. We all know that each of us is unique, and as such, we each have our set of strengths, weaknesses, qualities we are proud of and qualities we are embarrassed about. Love and accept who you are ….. it goes without saying, if you don’t accept yourself, how and why will the world? Self-acceptance brings a sense of peace, which pervades your aura, and can shine through your body language, your posture, your tone of voice.

Drop the Comparison! We often create and flame feelings of inferiority by comparing ourselves with others. It’s good to have a role model, a benchmark to follow; however, remember, you should always compare with your own past performance. If you keep comparing yourself with others, you will never match up, because once you match up with one person on one quality, there will be several others who will be better, and it becomes an endless struggle then. Remember Snow White’s step mother; despite having so much beauty herself, she could never have peace because she always wanted to be the better than others.

Change Your Self Talk: While our self-esteem is shaped by others around us during childhood, once we grow up, we are the ones who propagate the inferiority by constantly putting ourselves down. Start watching your own internal dialogue and you will realize how many negative messages you give yourself throughout the day. Starting today, resolve to change your self talk. Use positive statements, affirm to yourself that you will try your best and succeed, and break the cycle of negative thought patterns.

Build Perspective: Setbacks and failures happen to everyone, and you are no exception. It is important to keep the right perspective when things don’t go well. Instead of beating yourself up and further fuelling your inferiority complex, take a realistic stock of the situation. Assess your mistakes, see what you need to do differently, and most importantly, MOVE ON!

Most importantly, every time your internal voice tells you that you are not good enough, or inferior in any way, don’t just accept that! Question, confront, and resolve it there and then. You have been accepting that voice for long enough, it is now time to challenge that voice, and once and for all, defeat that self-defeating approach, which may make you feel inferior in front of others.

Forever Grateful Mom

So many messages circulating on WhatsApp, about child robbers, kidnappers, and dangerous people with potential to harm our kids. The first few of them instilled such a dread in my heart – as I am sure they did in the heart of every mom and dad. As these messages continued to inundate, the fear started changing to something else ….. Paranoia? Obsession? And suddenly, I realized what was happening to me; I was looking at every other person as a potential threat to my children, and falling into the trap of being a Permanently Suspicious Mom.

That is when I decided to stop right there. Stop and look around me, look around at the world I live in, that I am raising my kids in. Is it really filled with so much danger, that I cant have a moment of peace, that I cant let my child go out of my sight without worrying about all the dangers that can befall upon him? Or her?

And this is what I found when I looked around at this world:

• For every kidnapper standing outside the school gates, there are several concerned didis, maushis and security personnel ensuring my child is safely delivered to me.
• For every molesting bus cleaner, there are scores of others who lovingly ferry children to and fro every day.
• For every stranger eyeing my child with bad intentions, there are guardian angels in the form of friends, relatives, teachers, sometimes pure strangers protecting not just my child, but humanity itself!

I don’t mean to sound complacent and smug. There is a very real danger and threat that our children today face in the outside world. Of course there are kidnappers and abusers and molesters, many of them getting fearless by the day. As parents, we must to more than our best to protect our children from such evil minded and evil intentioned people. And yet …… this should not blind us to the presence of goodness in the world. Let us stop and appreciate all the good people who share space with us – in our families, in our children’s schools, on the roads. Everywhere. Let us give gratitude, every passing day, for all the good people that touched our child’s life today. For while it is true that crimes against children are increasing by the day, it is thankfully equally true, that goodness still abounds as well! While remaining alert and aware to the dangers in the world, let us also acknowledge the good, and appreciate the good people do, which sadly, goes unacknowledged in today’s world.

I have decided to convert myself, from a Permanently Suspicious Mom to a Forever Grateful Mom. I have made a promise to wake up every morning sending up an affirmation for my children’s well-being and safety, and thanking the Universe and all its beings for helping me keep my children safe. Every night, I go to bed acknowledging and appreciating every person who shared space with my children and ensured their well-being in whichever capacity they could.

For yes, I do believe that despite all the bad things happening, the world is still a beautiful place! And that’s the belief and feeling I want my children to grow up with.