Talaash …… a serious, sensitively made movie, once again bringing home the fact that Life can, and will, throw up things in your way that can stun your senses, and change the course of your Life, as you had charted it for yourself. That there are so many things in this Universe that we don’t know about, that so often there are no clear cut answers, no obvious logic to how or why things happen.

You are doing your job, leading a fairly happy, ‘normal’ life, and there, one harmless holiday can take your only child away. And whoosh……………..Life as you knew it vanishes with that child, as surely dead as the child, never to be retrieved. It changes everything for you.

Trust Aamir to pick up an issue and handle it so sensitively, so lovingly. The movie is not just about the paranormal, though, certainly, that is a huge part of it. It is also about how two people handle the pain, the grief of losing their only baby completely differently. How each tries to find peace in different ways. And how, suddenly, when Life seems bleak and there seems to be no peace, the Universe throws up something at you, something that once again stops you in your tracks, makes you rethink everything that you have believed in, and suddenly give you all the answers that you ever needed to know.

Whether you believe in the paranormal or not, Talaash is a must see, for it handles this issue with a dispassionate view, taking no stand, and leaves it to the audience to decide what it thinks about such happenings.

And so many other things to recommend the movie:

• Aamir of course, brilliant as usual. He is in his uniform through most of the movie, yet, no fancy fighting scenes at all. No dhishum dhishum, except for one small scene.
• Rani Mukherjee, sensitive as ever, though her role is almost a cameo.
• Kareena Kapoor, the surprise package. Am not much of a fan of hers, but she has done a super awesome job!
• No item song, though the plot had ample opportunity for it. That’s what makes Aamir what he is. It’s a serious topic, a sober movie, and he trusts it with the respect its due!

 A must-watch, for all those who believe in the unpredictability of Life!

Nostalgia!

Am in Hyderabad for a workshop ..... on my way from the airport to the city, suddenly realised that its already been a decade since our brief, one year stint in this city! Time indeed does fly, and at the speed of light! Had some unexpected time yesterday, and went for a jaunt into the city, revisiting lanes and corners that I had long relegated somewhere in the dusky cobwebs of memory. It was a beautiful experience, as it rekindled so many memories of not just our time here, but most especially of Krishna’s first year of Life.

This city is special because this is where Krishna spent the better part of the first year of her Life. All her early milestones have been achieved here – her first social smile, her first teeth, the first time she crawled, stood up, walked. Her first illnesses, her first mischief. Her first birthday. It all just flashed in front of my eyes yesterday, so many little things of her babyhood, and all the experiences me and Nilesh had as new parents, bringing her up in a new and unknown city.

I remembered the countless times I had to take her to the hospital because of her frequent bouts of diarrhea. All by myself, in the burning heat of Hyderabad summer, in late evenings in the rains, hunting for an auto. And those were the days without mobile phones, and I smile now at the memory of how we used to manage our lives without one! To think of that today seems impossible. Indeed, at such times, it makes me wonder whether technology really sets you free or in fact ties you down, making you so dependent! I never gave it a second thought, travelling with a baby, in a new city, without such a thing as a mobile!

Also remember the times I used to take her down in the garden every evening, and how much she enjoyed it. Krishna was lucky in that I was completely with her for the first 10 months of her Life, every minute of the day. In that sense, Aryaveer has missed out on that, and in the fast paced, mad life that I lead today, taking him to the garden is a rarity! For Krishna, back then, out here, it was an everyday occurrence, as it should well be for kids.

I leave this city today, with a sense of fresh gratitude, for being the place where I spent my first year as a mother, and which has given me so many unforgettable memories for Life!

Disha the Teenager

Today is a special day. Disha Counseling Center marks its entry in the teenage years. Giving birth to Disha, nurturing the infant, the toddler, and the child for all these years, has been such an amazing, enriching experience for all of us, Disha's 4 mothers. Parenting Disha has been a challenge, a journey, a joy, an adventure, an education in itself! Many have been the lessons we have learnt along the way, and truly, our identities are so fused with that of Disha that its hard to separate the two!

Disha now is officially a teenager. In spirit too, Disha has all the qualities of a teen - energy, an enthusiasm for new things, dreams and hopes aplenty, and even today, a driving passion to work on its vision. It still has miles to go, and the zest and energy to cover these miles with eagerness.

Kuch Toh Log Kahenge

'Kuch Toh Log Kahenge' ..... a serial that broke my decade long disconnect with the TV. Somehow, the posters, the titles, the title song, had a strong enough appeal to make me sit in front of the Idiot Box and actually give the serial a shot. The fact that Mohnish Behl, a fine and underutilised actor according to me, played the central character was, in itself, a big attraction. So, I started following the serial, and soon enough, got hooked on to me. It had a certain old-world charm to it, a certain slowness and quality that is far missing in serials today. A seemingly strong storyline that was way different from the usual saas-bahu-other woman plots of today's TV world, along with some superb performances had me in front of the TV at 8.00 pm sharp every evening.

But alas, all good things turn out to be illusory, or so it seems to be where TV shows are concerned. This beautiful, sensitively made serial could also not escape the clutches of the TRP rat race I guess, and soon enough, the melodrama started. There suddenly appeared a vampish other woman, who, hitherto, had seemed like a sensible, mature woman, and a lot of other masala that cannibalised the purity and beauty of the serial. Above all, the beautiful relationship between the two central characters, which was the biggest strength of the serial, had to give in to to competition from all these twists and turns, which the serial has now started focusing on. That brought a quick end to my new found love for the TV and had me running to my books again.

Isnt it rather sad that in this big, huge world of satellite televesion, one cant find a serial decent enough to watch over an extended period of time? Even when something starts off with so much promise, the cut throat competition, the need to conform, is so high that it kills talent and creativity? Why is it that Indian television can as of now churn out only imitations of international reality shows or serials with the same old plots? Is that all Indian life is all about? Mothers in law, extra marital affairs, cheating, sacrificing women ......? Dont we Indians have far more character and far more variety? What is it that the same industry that made amazing serials like Nukkad, Buniyad, Yeh Joh Hai Zindagi, Chunauti can no longer think beyond Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi?

Conversations with Crows

While playing with my 1.5 year old son yesterday, I caught him smiling at the crow sitting on our windowsill and chatting with it. Endearing as that scene was, it brought home to me the realisation that I was far far away from such earthly pleasures. Caught up as I am in this crazy running around that I have learnt to call Life, I have drifted far away from golden, magical moments that carry so much joy and bliss. Isn’t this the case with many of you?

Seriously, when was the last time you spent hours counting the stars and wondering what it was like up there ....... walked barefoot on the grass without worrying about the next deadline at work ..... sipped your chai with complete abandon and luxury, without timing yourself to the schedule of the train you need to catch? Why go that far, how many of you woke up today morning cursing the rain, thinking of all that you had to do at the office, and how inconvenient it would be to get to work with this 3-day non-stop rain? Oh no, these are things meant for children, you’ll think, or for people who have nothing to do. Not for busy, important people like you, who have so much to achieve in life. If you spend time star gazing or chai sipping, you will miss the bus to success, riches, fame, or whatever it is that you need to achieve.

I am like that too. I run my life on a tight schedule, and pride myself on a time table that accounts for every possibility in the week. My life is dictated by my to-do list, and nothing gives me a better high than checking off an item from that list. My comprehensive list includes not just my work appointments and tasks, but also items like making calls to friends, taking my children’s studies, catching up on reading! Oh yes, everything has to be planned, every minute accounted for to the last nano-second! Until yesterday, I felt proud of the way I ran my life on clockwork, planning for everything, accounting for every possibility. After all, if one has to achieve a lot in life, one needs to plan, right? But yesterday’s simple visual of watching my baby engrossed in his conversation with the crow brought with it tremendous insight for me. I realised what I was missing out in Life. I was missing out on the spontaneity of living, on experiencing moments that are not only joyous and blissful, but also bring with them their own wisdom and learning.

So yesterday, I made a promise to myself. A promise to be alive to the surprise and joy that every moment in Life has to offer, to be open to unexpected situations that are beyond my planner, and accept them gracefully, allowing myself to learn the lessons that it has to teach me. A promise to stare dreamily at the rain that I so loved as a child, to be spontaneous, and yes, to talk to the crows!

Working parents: How to manage your kids

This was published in Complete Wellbeing in February / March 2010

Ajay and Manasi both have demanding careers that take a lot of their time, focus and attention. Also parents to a five-year old and a three-year old, they struggle to make time for their kids. Manasi is accomplished in managing her varied roles with efficiency. Ajay, a supportive husband and a caring father, is always there when Manasi can’t be. Between them, they manage to see to it that their children are never de-prioritised. Yet, they often wonder if this is enough. Both fear that they are not spending enough time with the children.

You are not alone

If Ajay and Manasi’s situation touches a chord in you, then you are not alone. There are many working couples facing a similar plight. In such a situation, giving adequate time, love and attention to kids can often be a perennial struggle. How do we manage to be our best, both as parents and as professionals? Many couples are today riddled with this question.

Behind the confident exterior is a mind riddled with self-doubt--are we doing the right thing? Many of us young parents of today have learnt to live with this constant guilt; it’s in fact become a way of life for us. Yet, it burns us up from within, eats us up, and is constantly there, at the back of our minds.

Tips for working parents

Is there any way to break this vicious cycle? Sure there is. With a little rearrangement of schedule and a change in perspective, you will be able to break free of this constant worry about not doing enough for your kids, and for your jobs. Let me give you some tips:

Plan in advance

Work out your childcare plans well in advance, preferably even before your baby is born. This will help you anticipate problems and work out best possible solutions. Evaluate childcare options available to you: parents or in-laws willing and able to care for your children, day care or crèche, or a live-in maid. Jointly discuss what would work best for you as there are pros and cons attached to each of the options. Together you can decide the best option.

Split chores

Parenting is a joint responsibility, and both the mother and the father have a crucial role to play in it. So, divide responsibilities. But also be flexible. There will be times when papa just won’t able to cancel an important meeting though it is his turn to take the children to their sports class. At such times, mom may need to chip in. Such adjustments are critical, as there will often be times when you will experience a clash of priorities.

Manage your time well

Maintain a daily planner and a to-do list, which can direct your day, week and month. Not only will it give you a perspective on the tasks before you, but it will also enable you to anticipate the amount of time and effort that will be required of you. Plan your schedule especially around the children’s school calendar; mark out their holidays, exams, open days, PTA meetings. Once you mark these out in advance, you can plan your schedule at work accordingly, to the extent possible to you. It is also helpful to take your spouse’s schedule and calendar into account when planning your own schedule.

Stop hankering for perfection

Give up the idea of becoming a 'Super Mom' or 'Super Dad' and a 'Super Employee'. This does not mean that you submit mediocre work at office, or that it’s okay to ignore your kids--far from it. On the contrary, you have to constantly strive to give your best at both places. However, you also need to be prepared for occasional compromises and adjustments. There are invariably going to be situations when your kid falls sick on the day of a crucial presentation at work. At such times, you will have to take tough decisions. Sit down calmly, assess your priorities, and decide what is more important at that point in time. Once the decision is taken, stop feeling guilty about it. The fact remains that you cannot be at two places at the same time.

Rope in support from your family

Not just your partner, but your in-laws, parents, and siblings can become your support systems when you need them. Build relationships with them that are mutually satisfying, so that they are there for you whenever you need them.

Build bonds with other parents

Often, you will find that parents of your child’s classmates are in the same boat as you. If you have a good relationship with them, you can split school-related responsibilities--such as having a car pool. This will also enable you to have a better idea of what is happening in school.

Teach your children the value of independence

Raise children to be independent. Explain to them the nature of your work, why it is important to you, as well as your value to the organisation you work for. Teach them to do things for themselves, so that the time that you spend with them is indeed quality time. Often, we hide our struggles and efforts from our children. Instead, make them aware of it. This will inculcate sensitivity and awareness in them. They will learn to treat you and your work, as well as work in general, seriously.

Find creative ways to spend time with your kids

It is important that you spend time with your kids as often as you can. You can have a casual conversation, discussing your day, in the kitchen, while you are cooking the evening meal. You can call up your child during a break to have a general chat, or just check on how she is doing. You can just bond with her while discussing the latest car models as you wash the car together every Sunday. There are plenty of opportunities of spending time with your children. You just have to be open to finding them.

Communicate frequently

Always keep communication open with your child--no matter how old he or she is. Make a habit of leaving notes for your children, which they can read when the return home from school or tuition classes, discuss things with them, ask them how they feel about things. Most importantly, listen to them when they talk.

Manage your guilt

Many parents feel so guilty about the fact that they don’t spend enough time with their kids that they often end up overcompensating. Overcompensation can be in the form of material things or in giving in to every wish, desire and demand that the child makes. Alternately, some parents in the fear of not spoiling the child become too strict. It’s important to be natural as parents, and follow your instincts, rather than allow guilt to drive your reactions and responses.

Enjoy their innocence

Most important of all, enjoy the time you spend with your children without allowing guilt to come into the picture. Remember, you are doing your best for the child, you are the parent, and you love your children. Cherish the bond you share with them, and give your best, and it will be enough. Your child will learn to value you, respect you as a parent as well as a person, and you would have done a great job at parenthood.

Helping children face the challenges they face

Despite all our efforts, as children of working parents, our children face certain unique challenges. The better prepared we are in anticipating them, the better we will be able to help our children tide over these challenges.

Loneliness

How to meet it: Most children, especially younger ones, will often tell their mothers to leave their jobs, when they see other parents [especially moms] picking up their friends at school. "Why can’t you come to pick me up like so-and-so's mom does?" is a common enough wail that most working women have heard. This feeling is even more intense for the only child.

Peer influence

How to meet it: Children of working parents are more susceptible to peer influence, since parents are not physically around to monitor their activities on a regular basis. Thus, parents need to zealously guard against unhealthy peer influence. It is important to know who your child’s friends are and what they do when they are together.

Distractions and bad habits

How to meet it: As children grow up, it is important that parents keep an eye on the amount of time they spend watching TV, surfing the Internet, or playing computer/mobile/console games. While these activities are mere distractions at best, at worst they can be addictive, and can take your child’s mind and attention away from studies and healthy peer relationships.

Alienation and strained parent-child relations

How to meet it: Children of working parents can become detached and alienated from their parents, if care is not taken to communicate with them on a regular basis. They become used to having independence; they can at times be resentful of parents not being around for them and can cut themselves off from them emotionally. The best way to guard against this is to always make it a point to be connected with them on an emotional level, no matter how busy your schedule.

Personal safety

How to meet it: As working parents, we are not around all the time to safeguard our child. Our children are at an increased risk if they are by themselves at home, with a maid or in a day-care centre. Make sure you have the right references and identification for the help you hire. Never leave the kids by themselves, if the place you live in has any security or safety hazard. Leave all possible emergency numbers with the children. Do surprise checks by arriving early at the day-care or at home just to monitor the goings-on.

SAMINDARA Hardikar -Sawant

Taming the Tornado: A Parent Manual to Manage the ADHD Child

A diagnosis of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is common enough in modern times. With increased awareness among doctors, teachers and parents, many children today are getting diagnosed. However, diagnosis is simply the first step. For parents of a child with ADHD, this is just the beginning of a long, and often, arduous journey. With little knowledge and plenty of misconceptions, parents find themselves running from school counsellor to psychiatrist, to alternative medicine healers to behaviour modification experts. In the process, there is confusion and helplessness, and often enough, parents tend to give up.

The sole purpose of this book is to help parents in this journey. Using simple language, plenty of examples, and illustrations, we aim to educate parents about what ADHD is all about, how the diagnosis is made, what aspect of the child’s life will get impacted. Most importantly, it hopes to provide parents with a clear road map of how parents can manage their child and his disorder in the best possible manner, so that raising the child continues to remain the joy it should be, and not become a burden.

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